I'm probably not the first person to use that title (hopefully other uses do not include porn), but it came to me this morning as I was thinking about my current predicament and I just couldn't help myself. My baby is going to be 5 months old in just a few days and I'm happy to report that I'm still nursing her. When I first decided to breastfeed I had absolutely no idea how hard it would be. I really wish someone had warned me. I mean really warned me about how exhausting it would be, how often I would consider quitting (at least once a day the first couple of months), how my husband (who is a wonderful man and father) would really not have a clue the type of hell I would be in, and how most of the working world just doesn't "get it" or care about what a nursing mother needs in order to be successful at it.
I stayed home with my baby for the first 3 months. A typical length of maternity leave. Like I said, those first few months were no picnic when it came to nursing. Lots of women nurse on demand which means when a baby starts crying and showing signs of hunger - you offer the breast and let them nurse for up to 20 minutes on each side. The "signs of hunger" include rooting around, pecking and shoving their hands in their mouths. You're supposed to anticipate the baby's needs so they don't go into full-on wailing mode. Typically my little darling would be sleeping soundly and then wake up screaming. No heads up at all. If I wasn't immediately ready with my nursing pillow strapped on and my boobs out my husband would start to lose his mind. He would get impatient, tell me I wasn't moving fast enough, and occasionally "threaten" to give the baby formula. "I can't help her! I don't have breasts!" he'd tell me. And it's true. And once you have committed to nursing you start to realize what you've gotten yourself into. And then the daily struggle begins. And you ask yourself repeatedly, "Wouldn't this just be easier on all of us (especially me) if we just gave her formula!?"
My breastfeeding class at the hospital was helpful, but it didn't prepare me for the psychological struggle, the physical pain, the toll on my marriage. It taught me about the benefits for both me and the baby and mentioned something like, "You have to feed a newborn every three hours." That didn't sound so bad to me. Until I realized that it is actually 3 hours from the start of the feed. And since my baby would feed a full 20 minutes on each side it would usually take me about an hour to nurse her. And as soon as she was done nursing there were only 2 hours left before we'd be nursing again. In some cases babies feed every 2 hours. Sometimes they feed nonstop like when they are "cluster" feeding and you simply do a marathon breastfeeding - switching the baby from boob to boob and back and forth until she finally stops sucking and your nipples feel like they have literally been chewed off.
And you, like me, may ask yourself repeatedly... "Why am I still doing this? Wouldn't formula be easier?"
But then you meet other women in an online community like babycenter or maybe you have a cousin or a best friend who breastfed. And now you know the right questions to ask. And they assure you that it gets easier. "By 2-3 months it will be better," they promise. And they are right.
My little girl started dropping feedings around 8 weeks. Instead of nursing 10-12 times a day she was nursing 7-8 times. And suddenly 6-7. And then something miraculous happened at 10 weeks. She slept through her midnight feeding and went down to 5 feedings a day. The best part about this - she started sleeping through the night! It was almost like she knew that only 2 weeks later I was going back to work and would desperately need hours of uninterrupted sleep. I went from being overwhelmed with breastfeeding to finally enjoying it. We got into a groove. An actual feeding schedule. She was nursing at 7am, 11am, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm! This was doable!!
I checked in with my supervisor about my return to work and he told me he was completely supportive of me working from home 2-3 days a week. I said, "Oh, I'll start off with 2 days a week and that should be fine!" (Oh hahaha... little did I know) My commute is up to an hour each way so I sat down with my little nursing schedule and realized I could nurse in the morning, the evenings, and pump twice during the day. Again - this seemed doable!
Once I returned to work I realized how freaking hard things were all over again. That groove I had finally gotten into was now completely disrupted. I had to block off 45 minutes increments twice a day so I could sit behind closed doors and pump and pray that I would get out enough milk for my daughter's bottles for the following day. I'd pray that I would get enough milk out so that I wouldn't get clogged ducks which are not only painful, but lead to infection. And then I'd pray that I'd make it out of work early enough to race home to catch my baby's 6pm feeding so that whoever was watching her didn't have to give her formula and so I wouldn't have to pump as soon as I got home. Because now I missed my baby even more than I could imagine. And those nursing sessions were not just about nourishing her. They became about being close and bonding.
The stress of pumping and racing home from work became compounded by the fact that, although my supervisor was supportive of me having a healthy work/life balance, my colleagues were not as supportive. They still expected me to sit at my desk as long as they would sit at theirs. To be physically in meetings instead of on mute on the phone while I pumped in the background. They imagined the days I work at home to be easy! They think I can travel 2.5 hours into our satellite office, by train, to immediately arrive and pump in a bathroom. They do not get it. And, who can blame them? I didn't have a clue til I was in this, myself. Why should they make exceptions for me? Why should they care what I am going through? I have tried to educate them, but for what purpose? All they care about is that I get my job done and don't make their lives any more difficult. And sadly, they are right. I chose to be a working mom. It's just not their problem.
And so, lately, I have been feeling quite unsettled. I have considered giving up nursing so that I could be more present at my job. But that would mean putting my job before my daughter and I refuse to do that.
I want to nurse. It is, what I believe, to be best for me and my baby. And it truly SUCKS that our society makes it difficult for moms to be able to do it all. It SUCKS that my maternity leave was only 3 months long whereas in other countries it is far far longer. It SUCKS that I have to rush out of work, worrying if someone is mad at me or thinks I am taking advantage of my situation. It SUCKS that I have to constantly explain to people that I need to run out of a meeting because I need to "take care of some personal business."
But I'm not going to give up.
Instead, it has gotten me thinking. Why can't we change things? Why can't we, as a society, find a way to support new moms - those of us who are nursing as well as those of us who are not? Why can't we insist that there be better options for us to be both working women and full-time moms? Is it because we are too spread thin to start a movement? I know that's how I feel. But I do believe, if enough of us band together, we can make some sort of change for the better.
So... who's with me?!
